feeling yuck

I don't know if its still from the weekend or if im getting sick! I sure woke up feeling like hell. My guts are all twisted, I didn't want to get up for my run either! I did though cuz I just laid there thinking if you don't get up your gonna get fat...What the hell is wrong with me!? So I did, I got up and I ran, I only ran 4 miles though which puts me at only 12 miles for the week SUCK! I should have at least 18! I am so exhausted I just want to sleep, I actually feel like I have no strength left. How weird to feel like everything has been sucked out of me.

bla

Fun weekend....fun weekend...fun weekend....maybe to much. is that even possible? well considering i was still drunk from Saturday until I went to bed last night at 8.. that might be to much... Woke up feeling ok but .... I am so off today it sux. I didn't sleep for crap. Didn't run this morning and ate way to much (for me) and all i can think of is when i get home I have to run have to have to have to. If i don't I will be off on my miles! well maybe... I just don't want to chance it.

I talked to my mom today which usually brightens my mood but today not so much. They are taking her off of the Oxycodone and putting her on Morphine.

Me: mom is your pain that bad?
Mom: well the Oxycodone made me itch.
Me: man I am sorry
Mom: that's ok honey
Me: so are you going to go in anytime soon for a CT scan to see whats going on with the cancer?
Mom: no this is the end I don't want chemo anymore so that's why they give me the pain meds.
Me: (uh well I don't even know what to say except) ok.

Trying not to cry is the hard part. I am afraid I wont be able to stop. Knowing my mom made the decision back in August to quit all chemo and go on hospice STILL is shocking to me like I cant explain it. It almost seems things are back to normal until you see all her medication and the oxygen tank. then everything smacks you in the face again.

TrEeS

Have you ever sat in a prairie? I have. I loved it. So peaceful so beautiful, no one around just the tall grass, and wild flowers brushing against my body, the soft breeze blowing gently at my face, taking in the smell of fresh air one long breath at a time, watching the soft clouds go by wishing that I could reach up and grab one and it would take me away, I wish to soar with the eagles one day.



Have you ever sat in a cove of trees? Not just any cove but a cove surrounded with a million butterflies! I have. I loved it. In fact I sat there for hours and hours sitting as still as I could waiting and wishing for one to land on me, then when it would I would just stare, barely breathing just taking in the beauty of the beautiful fragile flying flowers, feeling every small movement their tiny legs made as the moved about my body, wishing myself to move that graceful, carefree and light.


Do you ever stop and look at trees? I do. They, shall I say inspire me. So many things go through my mind as I look at trees, all the beauty and mystery they hold. Oh if trees could talk I wonder what stores they would tell. I love trees they are so full of life even when dying, not one is the same, not one has the same form, they hold so many colors and shapes, a full life mystical experience. Ahh relaxing under a tree daydreaming of a life in a far away place.



Have you ever felt so scared for someone dying? Wondered what goes through their head? Call them everyday to make sure their ok or just hear their voice? I do. I call my mom. We don’t talk about “it” we just talk about “stuff” and to hear my moms voice is so reassuring and makes me feel safe. I try not to wonder what’s “its” going to be like because I think I will lose my mind.

I want to scream

Some days I just don’t know how to feel. Life is so repetitive I could scream. Just watching everyone go about there day in an orderly boring fashion. Makes me want to scream! Do they not see the cycle? Or are they so blind to it they just deal with it and go on? HEY DO YOU HEAR ME YET? I AM SCREAMING! Everyday its the same thing get up run, shower, get myself ready, get the kids up, get them ready, bring them to daycare, drive to my park and ride take the bus downtown read a book get off bus get in office start the day. When I take breaks I like to watch people and seriously its like watching a ant farm through the plexy glass, back and forth in and out bla bla bla.....then at the end of the day its all reversed except I don’t get the kids my husband does and I don’t run but I make dinner and clean the kids up and get them to bed
I do like routine don’t get me wrong it is balance and and balance is good but jeesus can we switch it up a bit..
I am spontaneous; I like to do it on my terms not other people's terms. I like to mix things up and make people think whoa what the hell was that!
Right now I feel I am in a dilemma pickle. right now. I feel stuck in this cruel vortex of spinning nothingness and I can’t escape! I am screaming and no one can hear me. I am being suffocated by my own screams being pulled down by thousands of angry dark hands with no hope of revival or seeing the light of day
.

ACK!! IT GOT MEEEEE!

Flu season is among us and well surprise surprise it got me. For the 3RD time this year!! then on top of being sick for two months straight...I ah... well am at a loss I have never been sick this many times in 1 year ever! and the year is not over yet!
So now here is my pickle I didnt run yesterday for obvious reasons, i didnt run this morning cuz probably should give a day of recovery even though I am chomping at the bit to run. So tomorrow it is! I am trying to get my milage up over 200 before the end of the year. I know I have well over that now but I just started documenting my miles in late August. Then i had PI (poison ivy), then I was sick grr.. Wish I would of started writing down at the beginning of the year I usually run every day to every other day and usually no less than 3 unless i was strapped for time then it was 2 miles not enough to break a sweat over. my longest run this summer was 9 miles! but now my sister and I are going to train for a 1/2 marathon in late april!! wish us luck and health. goddess knows i need it in the health department!

Cancer sucks!

My anxiety level is through the roof! Yesterday we had to say good bye to our friends mom who lost her battle with breast cancer, now I never met her but I do know how much our friend loved his mom. My husband has been friends with him for years and that is how he became my friend too. He is a very fun person who does stupid things and doesnt make the best choices but eh who hasnt and some people dont like him for his faults. I for one had issues with him in the beginning because of the choices he made but I have now known him for 9 years and I have made some pretty shitty choices and am not one to judge and I am glad I gave him a chance. Back in September we all went out he came over and we knew his mom's cancer was back she was in remission but of course the bastard had to come back and was everywhere including her brain...we asked him how she was doing and he said she's dying.. there were uncomfortable giggles not by me but the men in the house at the time.. no one knows quite how to act or relate to something so bluntly spoken I on the other hand dealing with my moms cancer and probably being a female I got it I understood...he needed this night to let loose get hammerdrunk as he likes to say and we did. The night was fun as we were reaching our final destination I turned to him as we were all piling out of the vehicle and asked how he was doing he said not good Beth So I went in the back seat with him and gave him a hug to let him know that im here and if he needs anythign let me know he hugged me back so tight and he sobbed and i held him and let him sob it was so hard but he needed it and I am glad I was there for him to release his feelings. It was a bonding moment I will never for get.
He sent me the text last monday that his mom had passed. This poor boy lost his mommy who was his everything and he sent me a text to thank me for evertying.
The funeral was very hard, my chest was tight I was sad for our friend and his family, I sat there fighting back the tears that I am afraid to let fall thinking im selfish because i'm crying over someone I dont know, yet its my friends mom but yet I found myself thinking of my mom dealing with the whole cancer thing sucks big monkey nuts! I am not ready to lose my mommy words spoken to me by him and now me speakin them to the would wide web or whoeverreadsthisfuckedupblog!
I think I have said it before and my sister brought a valid point denial is the best its my favoroite or just being angry works too. How do you numb yourself from the pain of the unknown?

ISSUES

GRRR... Always had them always will....well i hope they go away i know its not right to hate your body but I just dont like mine at all! Everytime i look in the mirror i cry.

Just frustrated

My throat hole hurts so effin bad right now I cant even explain the pain. Except that its constant, it hurts to talk, hurts to swallow hurts to eat...hmmm not all bad. maybe a new diet fad? ugh! no no no.. I only ran one day this week yesterday and only two miles because of the stupid hole in my throat hurting! I was doing so good with my running and now the pain in my throat is getting it the way of everyday enjoyments..UGH!!!!
I went to the doc a few weeks back and was told its a virus rest... uh really? apparently you don't know me to well.. I have 3 monsters at home and a ginormous monster of a husband that all need entertainment....
Starting from the beginning of my sickness, I would have to say it started in August the week before the 13th to be precise, I know this because the 13th was our 5 year wedding anniversary and I was sick with a cold (that started with a soar throat hole) all week...then the night of our anniversary I lost my voice and had laryngitis for a week...then i got it back but still and slimers in my chest and on top of that got poison ivy which lasted two weeks on top of a cold. The whole month of September I was sick either coughing up goober monsters or blowing slime out my nose holes. all starting with the feckin sore throat! this is my 3rd one in 2 months! This one hurts worse than I can remember the others hurting because this one feels like a cat is in the back of my throat trying to claw its way out!
on top of this I took my poor second monster into the doc on Tuesday for an ear recheck and now both tubes are out and he as a double ear infection. She said one more recheck next month and if its not gone we got straight to ENT for round 3 of tubes. UGH!
I need a vacation!

WOW

Speechless, is the only word that comes to mind right now. Never mind that I haven't ran since Friday, never mind that I have been sick for 2 months, never mind that I am not happy with my body or self, never mind that woke up crabby and bitchy and stuff...but WTF? Another death (suicide) of a classmate What is going on, I get it life is hard life sux life isn't fair some people may not like you, you may be financially stressed, going through a divorce, single, homeless, depressed. But to take your life doesn't complete you it leaves those of us that love you with more questions.
I wonder most days why my cousin killed himself, leaving 2 daughters behind. Questions will never be answered. All that is known was that he was depressed.
GRR... Just ruined my day... i get this is not about me but it is my blog and im really bummed.... another childhood friend gone...

update on my running

I have been doing so good running this is my 3rd week although I didn't run last Friday I did make up for it Saturday and ran 6 miles!!
I did not run this morning cuz i have a stupid sinus infection and decided against it, now sitting here i am restless because I didn't run! so that is what I will be doing when I get home!
Very frustrated with my weight too. need to be more careful with stuff. grr..
The nice thing about being sick! I cant taste anything so don't really need to eat much. whoot!
that was lame bye have a nice day

yay

Two days in a row I got my ass out of bed and jumped on my treadmill that stares me down every day. so haha treadmill i beat you!
Don't get me wrong I run and I run allot but usually outside. I am trying something new and running in the morning unfortunately its dark out but fortunately I have a treadmill...although I would so rather be running outside....
So far I love it and the way I feel in the morning. Also its not taking time away from me and my kids as I usually run at night after work. And even though this is day two I feel so alive when i get to work and not dragging my ass!!
But last night I really didn't know what to do with myself because I had already ran and felt I needed to do something because I have always ran at night after dinner....so i worked out.. haha.. o.k. enough still on a high from my run..
buhbye...

Not a fan of the wolf pack but would love to meet them

http://www.exploretalent.com/con_redirect.php?ref_con=3253030



dont even know if i did this right hahaha

Widget

So I added a handy dandy little widget for running…now my problem is I don’t know when I will be able to run again because of the fricken poison ivy! UGH!
But I am not letting the Ivy get me down yesterday I took over 1,000 steps that was I should explain better ok 13 flights of stairs 4 times then walked a mile to the library on my lunch break then last night when I got home I only did my lateral thigh machine for 10 minutes and felt I cheated myself….
Monday I did it for a half hour and Sunday uh….20 minutes so I am keeping my self going plus doing some kettlebells and my ab roller….but I really really REALLY feel its not enough when I cant run I cant seem to satisfy my body with other exercises… ok scratch that kettlebells do kick ass and I love them but running is my true love.
We went to my mom and dads last night for dinner and the kids had a blast running around...shooting the bb gun is my oldest fave because well its his but it has to stay there because i dont want it at our place...I have a love and hate relationship with guns. My mom was doing well although she now has gout.. my dad is doing well he mowed the lawn for 6 hours and they were happy to see my little men...Jas got to spend the night so he was super excited about that..My mom loaded me up with "stuff" to take care of my poison ivy I asked if I could take her home with me...last time I had the Ivy it was bad she stayed in the living room with me day and night and took care of me...so as i lather my self up with the "stuff" I smile and pretend she is there helping me...so not the same her hands and touch are so soft...i love my mummy!

plans change when you have no plans

Ok first of all this weekend was suposed to be filled with uh...nothing! Just good ole' sitting home and watching the kids run around. I got done with work at 11 on friday
I was gonna hang out with a friend someone I have not seen since school. Dang…. She was busy but no big deal we had all night….until my husband got home and we decided to go camping with our friends because they really wanted us to go and we were up in the air about it many times as to go or not to go because even though camping is not expensive, when you have no money everything is expensive. Well they said they would pay and already had everything set up so well how can you say no to that?? Sorry Michele. This was not your fault let’s blame the men on this one…
Friday night was nice once the kids went to bed haha… they were rowdy and sooo needed to go to bed…we sat around the camp fire and drank and laughed and relaxed I went to bed early because the kids get up early and I really didn’t want to feel like shit in the morning because I wanted to go for a run.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling good…meh…scratch that my body hurt so bad my bones ached!! Stupid me forgot the air mattress pump and ever since my accident I don’t sleep well in hard ground o well… it was a beautiful morning anyway so foggy misty air a little humid but its Minnesota and I love running in the humidity so I was off on what I was hoping was at least a 3 mile run up and down hills smelling the pine and woods mmmm love it!! When I got back most of everyone else was up I felt great and was a sweaty mess I love me a good sweat! So I logged in my 3 mile run…or so I thought…we had to run to town quick to get a few things and to get the baby asleep that’s the best way when he is away from his element so out of curiosity I used my car to clock how far I went and was shocked it was 4.5 miles!
There were no showers so I was a little hesitant to run there but when I found out the lake was a mile hike I was in!! The lake was so cold but I was so stinky and gross I didn’t care cold water never felt so good! The kids had a blast swimming too!
Saturday night we grilled stuff I made juicy lucy’s and there were brats and hot dogs.. I am not much into meat so I enjoyed some corn on the cob mmmmmmm…. The kids had smores and we hung around the fire the rest of the night. The kids had a long day and went to bed around 9:30 they just passed out. We stayed up and talked and had more adult beverages it was awesome.
Sunday we packed up went to our friends house did our laundry and hung out most of the day. Got home around 4:30 put everything away and the kids went swimming.
Today I am playing connect the dots with my mosquito bites little bastards bit threw my clothes and bit my butt even! One even got between my toes!! Ish I hate feet!
On another note my moms birthday is Friday the 27th so I have done me a little looking around for “stuff” but suddenly had a sinking feeling and am now depressed..will there be a birthday for her next year?
Then I thought hey ill look for Jasper his birthday is the 10th of September that will be fun..uh no… I don’t get paid till after his birthday so WTH what am I supposed to get him for his birthday what kind of mother am I? more depressed time to stop. If your read this thanks if you didn’t fuck you.. haha. Jus kidden..

random

What do you do when you are struggling to keep your head above water, but your friend is in over her head? I want to help so many people I wish I had the funds to help those in need. I wish I had the funds to help me and my family. Sure I can pay the rent and the bills but there are also bills that I couldn’t pay and are now in collection, so I am trying to play catch up with those just when I thought I was getting ahead something comes and gets me from behind. At this point I am happy the bills are paid the immediate ones anyway. But when it comes to getting the food I need for my children and family I struggle, I struggle so much I have an anxiety attack just thinking about it. I hate standing in the check out isle and having to say o sorry can you take that off and that o and maybe that one to? Because I don’t have enough money to buy what we need. EMBARRASING! Yet when I see a homeless person on the street I want to give them money, because I would hope if I was ever in that situation someone would do the same. It is a cruel cruel world we live in. sometimes I think I cant afford to work!
I shouldn’t bitch it’s really a reality now days everything adds up or doesn’t add up for that matter.
I am bummed and down and have so much going on sometimes I want to give up but where would that leave my kids and husband? Giving up is just to easy.
I feel sad now I have a friend...who is counting down the days to whwen she will be homeless with 4 children how does society allow that? How can they put out a single mother with 4 children and not even bat an eyelash? ugh.. I am glad I am leaving work early and going to see this friend..all I can do is try to support her and be there as a shoulder thats all I have to offer when I wish i could give the world...

The stitch is out!!

Ok well it actually came out on Monday but I never claimed to be good at this blogging business.
Anyway the stitch came out on Monday I called the clinic to make the appointment to get it taken out, about 5 minutes after i made the call I got a call from the triage nurse saying .... maybe you should take him to the ER to get it taken out I just looked over his record and saw that he needed to be sedated.... i in return said maybe you need to figure it out because i will not sit in the ER again for 5 hours so they can drug my kid up to take out ONE STITCH!!! ok I won hehe...
Izak and I got to the clinic about 20 minutes early...I hate being late and I hate waiting ugh...Izak was so good he sat on my lap the whole time and talked and cuddled it was great! Usually he is running all over the place.
The nurse called him in and we went back..I told her the story of the ER and then the call today from the triage...the nurse just shook her head and said that Izak never should of had to go to the ER for the Stitch and that the pediatrician knew better but also said the pediatricians don't like to do stitches in the little ones BUT family practice will and he should of referred us over there!!! UGH! I have had issues with this pediatrician in the past and made it clear i wasn't happy to have him but that was all that was available... anyway anyway anyway...The nurse said that they could of numbed his lip and wrapped him in a papoose and stitched him there!! WOW numb his lip instead of drugging him up what a concept they didn't even numb his lip at the ER and he felt it under the influence I was PISSED!!
So the Doc came in and they had the suture kit with the tweezers and scissors she looked at his lip then we laid him down on the bed the nurse had his head and he let the doc look at the stitch she moved it around to loosen it from the lip so she could pull it up to cut it out Izak laid there so good he cried a little but he did amazing and snip the stitch is out!
The nurse said next time don't call just come in family practice will take you right in and take care of the stitches....

A trip to the ER

So I got a call yesterday around 2:30 from my daycare mom saying that Izak had a bloody lip and probably needed stitches..uh talk about a helpless feeling, ok, i said what happened? Apparently Milo my busy 3 year old who is very very accident prone and hits his head at least twice a day, is always in a hurry and has to be the first one no matter what to get somewhere or something before anyone else.... ok i get it i was and still kinda am the same way...my bad.. anyway They were both running for the steps which is my understanding and Milo (my little cults) tripped and flew into Izak my 23 month old and pushed him into the corner of the wall they were both crying and Izak was all bloody. When Daycare asked my oldest what happened she didn't believe him...only because Jasper said it was an accident... and just the day before Milo hit Izak on the top of the head with a toy so I get it I would of had a hard time believing that to if there wasn't a witness.
I called the Doc and got an appointment told them the story and when I got there he looked at Izak's lip and said he needs to go to the ER we can not stitch him here because he needs to be sedated! SEDATED!!!! YOUR GOING TO SEDATE MY 23 MONTH OLD! ok I was rather calm considering what they were saying I just didn't know what to feel I was nervous but yet it could of been worse.
Needless to say I took Izak to the ER I called my dad and mom to let them know what was going on and they asked if I wanted them to come up...sure did! So they got up there not to much longer after I did and we "Izak" was just getting called back to the intake area, once that was done we got a "room" I was excited because things were moving along pretty nicely we arrived at 5 got a room before 6 pretty good for the ER then the waiting began....people came in and out and looked at his lip then we waited way to long....do they not realize that a 23 month old does not have patients locked in a small room with all sorts of fun looking stuff he cant touch sheesh!!.... Finally someone came in at 6:30 and put some numbing topical on his arms for when the insert the IV then put a clear band aid looking thing over that we had to wait 15 minutes for that to work so there was another thing I had to distract him from trying to pull of the band aids! about 7 we got moved into another room where they would do the procedure. There were two male nurses coming in and out letting me know what was going on. Then suddenly the time came to insert the IV it took the two of them and me to hold my poor baby down, with him screaming and crying owe owwe owwwwee do you know how hard that is...its even worse when they stick the needle in and do it wrong the first time and have to redo it!! I had to deal with that all over again finally when it was in they gave him a drug so he wouldn't remember what happened...where's my drug I dont want to remember it either!
They explained what the next medicine would do, the one that would sedate him, it would make him hallucinate and his eyes twitch but that its normal and he would be fine... uh...ok i guess i have no choice! When they put that in he started to giggle! OMG my kid is high WTH it was pretty funny but weird and scary they had to give him more and then he relaxed and layed down on me with his eyes open and twitching it was so weird to see this. The Doc came in explained she was gonna put one stitch in and that I could touch him just not to touch the sterilized cloth over him. So finally at 7:30 when she goes to put in the stitch I see his yes peeking through the hole in the cloth i see the needle go in his lip and he reaches up for it and says ouch! He is so drugged up but yet he felt that! Yes the Dr says but he wont remember it...why didn't you numb it...I got no response back...
Finally got out of there and home around 8:30 he was so hungry he found old popcorn in his car seat and ate some of that ick! he wanted to walk but couldn't because he was still "under the influence" I got some cute video of him.
Woke up this morning stitch still in and he is a happy little boy.
First of many ER visits to come im sure...
Life with 3 boys is never dull that's for sure!

Just cant catch that breath

I am not having the best day today. Feel like I am completly on edge of an anxiety attack....I feel I am falling apart..am i selfish for feeling this way? I need to be strong for my mom she doesnt need to see me fall apart but then again she has my sister and dad they are stronger...i am the mess..good at fuckin things up, pissing people off..so far the one thing I have found that I can control is my running, exercising and eating (sort-of on the later)why do we have to eat? I wish we didnt it takes up to much time, what I mean by that really is after a day of work and coming home cooking dinner that is at least 1 hour lost with my children. Its bad enough that day care sees them more than me. How i long to stay home with them.
ok so another post of complete babble.

Not sure how I feel

Numb, mad, sad, scared...repeat
Heart in my throat, cant breathe, choking back the tears that i know once fall wont stop...
I knew this day would come just not so soon.. but soon for who me, my dad, my sister or my mom?
Mom has cancer mesothelioma to be exact...terminal...no cure...only chemo and pain meds to ease the pain and shrink the fuckin tumor...repeat
She has had it for 4 years! Which is pretty amazing when most people dont make it 3! She has been going through chemo for 4 years, not just one type though, see i thought there was only one kind of chemo but there are many, some make you lose your hair some make you sick and some make you so sick and mean and angry and frustrated maybe they all do. But the last one my mom had did it all but make her lose her hair. With the last chemo she gained a new pain in her stomach..scary i know I was scared OMG did the cancer spread from the plural lining to her stomach, whats going on why is she in so much pain outside of where the tumor is supposed to be.
Well they did an Upper GI and found that her ulcer which was treated years ago came back from the stress of everything she has underwent...they also took a sample to send of to get a biopsy on it... no results of that as of yet...they said they would mail the results to her..so they are not worried or they are just doing their job....
Mom has gone months on chemo and months off because the chemo shrinks the tumor the longest she was off was 9 months! huge huge deal!...everytime she goes in for her CT results after a span of chemo the tumor shrunk, then she doesnt need to go back for a while, and shejust had to get a CT every 3 months to see where the tumor was at anyway it grew a little everytime usually not enough for the dr. to be to concerned then it got to where she would need treatment again after the next scan saying well it has grown a litle very repetitave..very emotional and everything else.
So now we come to yesterday I knew my mom was going in for her results to find out what was causing the pain in her stomach and was somewhat relieved it was an ulcer then SHOCKED to hear my mom so at peace as she said "im done with chemo i dont want anymore treatment im going on hospice" I really didnt know how to react because im am so shocked she wasnt crying as she usually is she was just calm, maybe she has just come to terms with it..after all it is terminal but the chemo is working why stop...i guess i cant say for i am not in her shoes... I love my mom we are a very close family.. I know i have to stay strong but i feel like i could break anytime, knowing this was coming i still am not prepared..
I dont know if anyone reads this but if you do i apologize that this is a jumbled mess and all over the place just so much on my mind...

Finally Friday It was a short week but long. I am done at 12 today so I cant complain there.
My BIG plans for the weekend is to run run and run some more. I am feeling so stressed and just exhausted that I could scream!
Tomorrow I plan to go and volunteer at feed my starving children and am taking my 8 year old to experience it with me.

One of those days....

I actually have these days a lot. I just wanted to stay in bed! Really not sure how i feel today. I do know its going to be beautiful outside today. Maybe on my lunch I'll take a walk around down town. BLAH

Day #2

I ran last night, it felt so good to just go, my husband was home so he stayed and took the boys outside. I was so frustrated my 3 year old just whines and cries for no good reason. I can handle crying but whining makes me crazy! Last night he just wouldn't stop from the minute I picked them up to the time we got home (sometimes this is a daily basis) he just continued whining about what he wanted after I told him no he just wouldn't quit... My husband knew I was frustrated and needed a break, he said just go run it will be fine....

I have never ever claimed to be the perfect person, daughter, wife or mother. There is no book that could ever prepare you for being a parent. Each child is uniquely different and none have the same needs. To hear someone say they are perfect parent or their children are perfect... really... doubtful... but if that's what you see in your eyes then live the blind life someday its gonna smack you hard.

I sometimes get so frustrated with my 3 year old I have to walk away because I don't know what else to do. I know he doesn't understand I get that. But sometimes I think he is doing it on purpose... that's me just having a bad day... he is three... it will get better..... be patient...

As the night went on he had calmed down and wanted papa bears (3 bears) for bedtime that is the routine now he loves it I don't read it from book but from memory and every night he asks papa bears please.. how can I say no to that? :)

This blog has no followers (that I am aware of) I think its fine... I just need to be me and let it out for once. If you do come across feel free to leave a comment. I am not interested in negative comments so move on if that's all you have.

Just starting

I have been following a friends blog for quite sometime now and just recently decided maybe I will give it a try.
I read quite a few blogs in the last few days. Its so interesting to see the places others have gone and the travel and the happy smiles and the marathons its amazing!
I on the other hand have nothing to compare except hope that someday I can give my children what I never had.
My children are very happy little souls they keep me on my toes I have 3 beautiful boys, 8, 3 and 1.
There will be lots of running mentioned, I run everyday and on my days off I walk 4 miles to to keep healthy and sane
Lots of mention of my boys, husband and my lovely family as well.
Well not sure what more to say not even sure anyone will follow me on my journey of finding myself, but maybe just maybe someone will.