A new year

11 days later but hey, it’s my first post of the year. A new year does not mean a new me. Why change after 34 years? I don’t make resolutions, I make plans they are easier to stick by and you can put them on your calendar so you don’t forget.
I am still running everyday with 1 day off, I didn’t think it would be possible but I have no pains so why do I need to take more than one day off?
My mom and dad are in Florida oh how I miss them but I still talk to my mom close to every other day. She sounds good and I know the weather change is good for her and my dad, it’s just so cold and yucky for them here during this time of year.
I still really like my job going on two years next month with some super secret big changes coming and im so excited I can’t wait!
Still have a psycho I know...have to deal with her everyday.. don’t know if psycho is the right word maybe not even nice but fuck she has more mood swings than a coked up pregnant woman!
I know she is bipolar and not had the greatest life but who has!! come on take your medication and deal with it, she’s like 40 some years old been taking the meds long enough to know they work and every 6 months or so she thinks shell stop taking them, then we have to deal with the stupid shit she makes up in her head. ugh ok enough she didn’t deserve that post but shell never see it so I don’t care. I feel better
my boys are doing great, my husband started school and life is what you make it. I plan on living it.

feeling yuck

I don't know if its still from the weekend or if im getting sick! I sure woke up feeling like hell. My guts are all twisted, I didn't want to get up for my run either! I did though cuz I just laid there thinking if you don't get up your gonna get fat...What the hell is wrong with me!? So I did, I got up and I ran, I only ran 4 miles though which puts me at only 12 miles for the week SUCK! I should have at least 18! I am so exhausted I just want to sleep, I actually feel like I have no strength left. How weird to feel like everything has been sucked out of me.

bla

Fun weekend....fun weekend...fun weekend....maybe to much. is that even possible? well considering i was still drunk from Saturday until I went to bed last night at 8.. that might be to much... Woke up feeling ok but .... I am so off today it sux. I didn't sleep for crap. Didn't run this morning and ate way to much (for me) and all i can think of is when i get home I have to run have to have to have to. If i don't I will be off on my miles! well maybe... I just don't want to chance it.

I talked to my mom today which usually brightens my mood but today not so much. They are taking her off of the Oxycodone and putting her on Morphine.

Me: mom is your pain that bad?
Mom: well the Oxycodone made me itch.
Me: man I am sorry
Mom: that's ok honey
Me: so are you going to go in anytime soon for a CT scan to see whats going on with the cancer?
Mom: no this is the end I don't want chemo anymore so that's why they give me the pain meds.
Me: (uh well I don't even know what to say except) ok.

Trying not to cry is the hard part. I am afraid I wont be able to stop. Knowing my mom made the decision back in August to quit all chemo and go on hospice STILL is shocking to me like I cant explain it. It almost seems things are back to normal until you see all her medication and the oxygen tank. then everything smacks you in the face again.

TrEeS

Have you ever sat in a prairie? I have. I loved it. So peaceful so beautiful, no one around just the tall grass, and wild flowers brushing against my body, the soft breeze blowing gently at my face, taking in the smell of fresh air one long breath at a time, watching the soft clouds go by wishing that I could reach up and grab one and it would take me away, I wish to soar with the eagles one day.



Have you ever sat in a cove of trees? Not just any cove but a cove surrounded with a million butterflies! I have. I loved it. In fact I sat there for hours and hours sitting as still as I could waiting and wishing for one to land on me, then when it would I would just stare, barely breathing just taking in the beauty of the beautiful fragile flying flowers, feeling every small movement their tiny legs made as the moved about my body, wishing myself to move that graceful, carefree and light.


Do you ever stop and look at trees? I do. They, shall I say inspire me. So many things go through my mind as I look at trees, all the beauty and mystery they hold. Oh if trees could talk I wonder what stores they would tell. I love trees they are so full of life even when dying, not one is the same, not one has the same form, they hold so many colors and shapes, a full life mystical experience. Ahh relaxing under a tree daydreaming of a life in a far away place.



Have you ever felt so scared for someone dying? Wondered what goes through their head? Call them everyday to make sure their ok or just hear their voice? I do. I call my mom. We don’t talk about “it” we just talk about “stuff” and to hear my moms voice is so reassuring and makes me feel safe. I try not to wonder what’s “its” going to be like because I think I will lose my mind.

I want to scream

Some days I just don’t know how to feel. Life is so repetitive I could scream. Just watching everyone go about there day in an orderly boring fashion. Makes me want to scream! Do they not see the cycle? Or are they so blind to it they just deal with it and go on? HEY DO YOU HEAR ME YET? I AM SCREAMING! Everyday its the same thing get up run, shower, get myself ready, get the kids up, get them ready, bring them to daycare, drive to my park and ride take the bus downtown read a book get off bus get in office start the day. When I take breaks I like to watch people and seriously its like watching a ant farm through the plexy glass, back and forth in and out bla bla bla.....then at the end of the day its all reversed except I don’t get the kids my husband does and I don’t run but I make dinner and clean the kids up and get them to bed
I do like routine don’t get me wrong it is balance and and balance is good but jeesus can we switch it up a bit..
I am spontaneous; I like to do it on my terms not other people's terms. I like to mix things up and make people think whoa what the hell was that!
Right now I feel I am in a dilemma pickle. right now. I feel stuck in this cruel vortex of spinning nothingness and I can’t escape! I am screaming and no one can hear me. I am being suffocated by my own screams being pulled down by thousands of angry dark hands with no hope of revival or seeing the light of day
.

ACK!! IT GOT MEEEEE!

Flu season is among us and well surprise surprise it got me. For the 3RD time this year!! then on top of being sick for two months straight...I ah... well am at a loss I have never been sick this many times in 1 year ever! and the year is not over yet!
So now here is my pickle I didnt run yesterday for obvious reasons, i didnt run this morning cuz probably should give a day of recovery even though I am chomping at the bit to run. So tomorrow it is! I am trying to get my milage up over 200 before the end of the year. I know I have well over that now but I just started documenting my miles in late August. Then i had PI (poison ivy), then I was sick grr.. Wish I would of started writing down at the beginning of the year I usually run every day to every other day and usually no less than 3 unless i was strapped for time then it was 2 miles not enough to break a sweat over. my longest run this summer was 9 miles! but now my sister and I are going to train for a 1/2 marathon in late april!! wish us luck and health. goddess knows i need it in the health department!

Cancer sucks!

My anxiety level is through the roof! Yesterday we had to say good bye to our friends mom who lost her battle with breast cancer, now I never met her but I do know how much our friend loved his mom. My husband has been friends with him for years and that is how he became my friend too. He is a very fun person who does stupid things and doesnt make the best choices but eh who hasnt and some people dont like him for his faults. I for one had issues with him in the beginning because of the choices he made but I have now known him for 9 years and I have made some pretty shitty choices and am not one to judge and I am glad I gave him a chance. Back in September we all went out he came over and we knew his mom's cancer was back she was in remission but of course the bastard had to come back and was everywhere including her brain...we asked him how she was doing and he said she's dying.. there were uncomfortable giggles not by me but the men in the house at the time.. no one knows quite how to act or relate to something so bluntly spoken I on the other hand dealing with my moms cancer and probably being a female I got it I understood...he needed this night to let loose get hammerdrunk as he likes to say and we did. The night was fun as we were reaching our final destination I turned to him as we were all piling out of the vehicle and asked how he was doing he said not good Beth So I went in the back seat with him and gave him a hug to let him know that im here and if he needs anythign let me know he hugged me back so tight and he sobbed and i held him and let him sob it was so hard but he needed it and I am glad I was there for him to release his feelings. It was a bonding moment I will never for get.
He sent me the text last monday that his mom had passed. This poor boy lost his mommy who was his everything and he sent me a text to thank me for evertying.
The funeral was very hard, my chest was tight I was sad for our friend and his family, I sat there fighting back the tears that I am afraid to let fall thinking im selfish because i'm crying over someone I dont know, yet its my friends mom but yet I found myself thinking of my mom dealing with the whole cancer thing sucks big monkey nuts! I am not ready to lose my mommy words spoken to me by him and now me speakin them to the would wide web or whoeverreadsthisfuckedupblog!
I think I have said it before and my sister brought a valid point denial is the best its my favoroite or just being angry works too. How do you numb yourself from the pain of the unknown?