feeling yuck

I don't know if its still from the weekend or if im getting sick! I sure woke up feeling like hell. My guts are all twisted, I didn't want to get up for my run either! I did though cuz I just laid there thinking if you don't get up your gonna get fat...What the hell is wrong with me!? So I did, I got up and I ran, I only ran 4 miles though which puts me at only 12 miles for the week SUCK! I should have at least 18! I am so exhausted I just want to sleep, I actually feel like I have no strength left. How weird to feel like everything has been sucked out of me.

bla

Fun weekend....fun weekend...fun weekend....maybe to much. is that even possible? well considering i was still drunk from Saturday until I went to bed last night at 8.. that might be to much... Woke up feeling ok but .... I am so off today it sux. I didn't sleep for crap. Didn't run this morning and ate way to much (for me) and all i can think of is when i get home I have to run have to have to have to. If i don't I will be off on my miles! well maybe... I just don't want to chance it.

I talked to my mom today which usually brightens my mood but today not so much. They are taking her off of the Oxycodone and putting her on Morphine.

Me: mom is your pain that bad?
Mom: well the Oxycodone made me itch.
Me: man I am sorry
Mom: that's ok honey
Me: so are you going to go in anytime soon for a CT scan to see whats going on with the cancer?
Mom: no this is the end I don't want chemo anymore so that's why they give me the pain meds.
Me: (uh well I don't even know what to say except) ok.

Trying not to cry is the hard part. I am afraid I wont be able to stop. Knowing my mom made the decision back in August to quit all chemo and go on hospice STILL is shocking to me like I cant explain it. It almost seems things are back to normal until you see all her medication and the oxygen tank. then everything smacks you in the face again.

TrEeS

Have you ever sat in a prairie? I have. I loved it. So peaceful so beautiful, no one around just the tall grass, and wild flowers brushing against my body, the soft breeze blowing gently at my face, taking in the smell of fresh air one long breath at a time, watching the soft clouds go by wishing that I could reach up and grab one and it would take me away, I wish to soar with the eagles one day.



Have you ever sat in a cove of trees? Not just any cove but a cove surrounded with a million butterflies! I have. I loved it. In fact I sat there for hours and hours sitting as still as I could waiting and wishing for one to land on me, then when it would I would just stare, barely breathing just taking in the beauty of the beautiful fragile flying flowers, feeling every small movement their tiny legs made as the moved about my body, wishing myself to move that graceful, carefree and light.


Do you ever stop and look at trees? I do. They, shall I say inspire me. So many things go through my mind as I look at trees, all the beauty and mystery they hold. Oh if trees could talk I wonder what stores they would tell. I love trees they are so full of life even when dying, not one is the same, not one has the same form, they hold so many colors and shapes, a full life mystical experience. Ahh relaxing under a tree daydreaming of a life in a far away place.



Have you ever felt so scared for someone dying? Wondered what goes through their head? Call them everyday to make sure their ok or just hear their voice? I do. I call my mom. We don’t talk about “it” we just talk about “stuff” and to hear my moms voice is so reassuring and makes me feel safe. I try not to wonder what’s “its” going to be like because I think I will lose my mind.

I want to scream

Some days I just don’t know how to feel. Life is so repetitive I could scream. Just watching everyone go about there day in an orderly boring fashion. Makes me want to scream! Do they not see the cycle? Or are they so blind to it they just deal with it and go on? HEY DO YOU HEAR ME YET? I AM SCREAMING! Everyday its the same thing get up run, shower, get myself ready, get the kids up, get them ready, bring them to daycare, drive to my park and ride take the bus downtown read a book get off bus get in office start the day. When I take breaks I like to watch people and seriously its like watching a ant farm through the plexy glass, back and forth in and out bla bla bla.....then at the end of the day its all reversed except I don’t get the kids my husband does and I don’t run but I make dinner and clean the kids up and get them to bed
I do like routine don’t get me wrong it is balance and and balance is good but jeesus can we switch it up a bit..
I am spontaneous; I like to do it on my terms not other people's terms. I like to mix things up and make people think whoa what the hell was that!
Right now I feel I am in a dilemma pickle. right now. I feel stuck in this cruel vortex of spinning nothingness and I can’t escape! I am screaming and no one can hear me. I am being suffocated by my own screams being pulled down by thousands of angry dark hands with no hope of revival or seeing the light of day
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