Not a fan of the wolf pack but would love to meet them

http://www.exploretalent.com/con_redirect.php?ref_con=3253030



dont even know if i did this right hahaha

Widget

So I added a handy dandy little widget for running…now my problem is I don’t know when I will be able to run again because of the fricken poison ivy! UGH!
But I am not letting the Ivy get me down yesterday I took over 1,000 steps that was I should explain better ok 13 flights of stairs 4 times then walked a mile to the library on my lunch break then last night when I got home I only did my lateral thigh machine for 10 minutes and felt I cheated myself….
Monday I did it for a half hour and Sunday uh….20 minutes so I am keeping my self going plus doing some kettlebells and my ab roller….but I really really REALLY feel its not enough when I cant run I cant seem to satisfy my body with other exercises… ok scratch that kettlebells do kick ass and I love them but running is my true love.
We went to my mom and dads last night for dinner and the kids had a blast running around...shooting the bb gun is my oldest fave because well its his but it has to stay there because i dont want it at our place...I have a love and hate relationship with guns. My mom was doing well although she now has gout.. my dad is doing well he mowed the lawn for 6 hours and they were happy to see my little men...Jas got to spend the night so he was super excited about that..My mom loaded me up with "stuff" to take care of my poison ivy I asked if I could take her home with me...last time I had the Ivy it was bad she stayed in the living room with me day and night and took care of me...so as i lather my self up with the "stuff" I smile and pretend she is there helping me...so not the same her hands and touch are so soft...i love my mummy!

plans change when you have no plans

Ok first of all this weekend was suposed to be filled with uh...nothing! Just good ole' sitting home and watching the kids run around. I got done with work at 11 on friday
I was gonna hang out with a friend someone I have not seen since school. Dang…. She was busy but no big deal we had all night….until my husband got home and we decided to go camping with our friends because they really wanted us to go and we were up in the air about it many times as to go or not to go because even though camping is not expensive, when you have no money everything is expensive. Well they said they would pay and already had everything set up so well how can you say no to that?? Sorry Michele. This was not your fault let’s blame the men on this one…
Friday night was nice once the kids went to bed haha… they were rowdy and sooo needed to go to bed…we sat around the camp fire and drank and laughed and relaxed I went to bed early because the kids get up early and I really didn’t want to feel like shit in the morning because I wanted to go for a run.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling good…meh…scratch that my body hurt so bad my bones ached!! Stupid me forgot the air mattress pump and ever since my accident I don’t sleep well in hard ground o well… it was a beautiful morning anyway so foggy misty air a little humid but its Minnesota and I love running in the humidity so I was off on what I was hoping was at least a 3 mile run up and down hills smelling the pine and woods mmmm love it!! When I got back most of everyone else was up I felt great and was a sweaty mess I love me a good sweat! So I logged in my 3 mile run…or so I thought…we had to run to town quick to get a few things and to get the baby asleep that’s the best way when he is away from his element so out of curiosity I used my car to clock how far I went and was shocked it was 4.5 miles!
There were no showers so I was a little hesitant to run there but when I found out the lake was a mile hike I was in!! The lake was so cold but I was so stinky and gross I didn’t care cold water never felt so good! The kids had a blast swimming too!
Saturday night we grilled stuff I made juicy lucy’s and there were brats and hot dogs.. I am not much into meat so I enjoyed some corn on the cob mmmmmmm…. The kids had smores and we hung around the fire the rest of the night. The kids had a long day and went to bed around 9:30 they just passed out. We stayed up and talked and had more adult beverages it was awesome.
Sunday we packed up went to our friends house did our laundry and hung out most of the day. Got home around 4:30 put everything away and the kids went swimming.
Today I am playing connect the dots with my mosquito bites little bastards bit threw my clothes and bit my butt even! One even got between my toes!! Ish I hate feet!
On another note my moms birthday is Friday the 27th so I have done me a little looking around for “stuff” but suddenly had a sinking feeling and am now depressed..will there be a birthday for her next year?
Then I thought hey ill look for Jasper his birthday is the 10th of September that will be fun..uh no… I don’t get paid till after his birthday so WTH what am I supposed to get him for his birthday what kind of mother am I? more depressed time to stop. If your read this thanks if you didn’t fuck you.. haha. Jus kidden..

random

What do you do when you are struggling to keep your head above water, but your friend is in over her head? I want to help so many people I wish I had the funds to help those in need. I wish I had the funds to help me and my family. Sure I can pay the rent and the bills but there are also bills that I couldn’t pay and are now in collection, so I am trying to play catch up with those just when I thought I was getting ahead something comes and gets me from behind. At this point I am happy the bills are paid the immediate ones anyway. But when it comes to getting the food I need for my children and family I struggle, I struggle so much I have an anxiety attack just thinking about it. I hate standing in the check out isle and having to say o sorry can you take that off and that o and maybe that one to? Because I don’t have enough money to buy what we need. EMBARRASING! Yet when I see a homeless person on the street I want to give them money, because I would hope if I was ever in that situation someone would do the same. It is a cruel cruel world we live in. sometimes I think I cant afford to work!
I shouldn’t bitch it’s really a reality now days everything adds up or doesn’t add up for that matter.
I am bummed and down and have so much going on sometimes I want to give up but where would that leave my kids and husband? Giving up is just to easy.
I feel sad now I have a friend...who is counting down the days to whwen she will be homeless with 4 children how does society allow that? How can they put out a single mother with 4 children and not even bat an eyelash? ugh.. I am glad I am leaving work early and going to see this friend..all I can do is try to support her and be there as a shoulder thats all I have to offer when I wish i could give the world...

The stitch is out!!

Ok well it actually came out on Monday but I never claimed to be good at this blogging business.
Anyway the stitch came out on Monday I called the clinic to make the appointment to get it taken out, about 5 minutes after i made the call I got a call from the triage nurse saying .... maybe you should take him to the ER to get it taken out I just looked over his record and saw that he needed to be sedated.... i in return said maybe you need to figure it out because i will not sit in the ER again for 5 hours so they can drug my kid up to take out ONE STITCH!!! ok I won hehe...
Izak and I got to the clinic about 20 minutes early...I hate being late and I hate waiting ugh...Izak was so good he sat on my lap the whole time and talked and cuddled it was great! Usually he is running all over the place.
The nurse called him in and we went back..I told her the story of the ER and then the call today from the triage...the nurse just shook her head and said that Izak never should of had to go to the ER for the Stitch and that the pediatrician knew better but also said the pediatricians don't like to do stitches in the little ones BUT family practice will and he should of referred us over there!!! UGH! I have had issues with this pediatrician in the past and made it clear i wasn't happy to have him but that was all that was available... anyway anyway anyway...The nurse said that they could of numbed his lip and wrapped him in a papoose and stitched him there!! WOW numb his lip instead of drugging him up what a concept they didn't even numb his lip at the ER and he felt it under the influence I was PISSED!!
So the Doc came in and they had the suture kit with the tweezers and scissors she looked at his lip then we laid him down on the bed the nurse had his head and he let the doc look at the stitch she moved it around to loosen it from the lip so she could pull it up to cut it out Izak laid there so good he cried a little but he did amazing and snip the stitch is out!
The nurse said next time don't call just come in family practice will take you right in and take care of the stitches....

A trip to the ER

So I got a call yesterday around 2:30 from my daycare mom saying that Izak had a bloody lip and probably needed stitches..uh talk about a helpless feeling, ok, i said what happened? Apparently Milo my busy 3 year old who is very very accident prone and hits his head at least twice a day, is always in a hurry and has to be the first one no matter what to get somewhere or something before anyone else.... ok i get it i was and still kinda am the same way...my bad.. anyway They were both running for the steps which is my understanding and Milo (my little cults) tripped and flew into Izak my 23 month old and pushed him into the corner of the wall they were both crying and Izak was all bloody. When Daycare asked my oldest what happened she didn't believe him...only because Jasper said it was an accident... and just the day before Milo hit Izak on the top of the head with a toy so I get it I would of had a hard time believing that to if there wasn't a witness.
I called the Doc and got an appointment told them the story and when I got there he looked at Izak's lip and said he needs to go to the ER we can not stitch him here because he needs to be sedated! SEDATED!!!! YOUR GOING TO SEDATE MY 23 MONTH OLD! ok I was rather calm considering what they were saying I just didn't know what to feel I was nervous but yet it could of been worse.
Needless to say I took Izak to the ER I called my dad and mom to let them know what was going on and they asked if I wanted them to come up...sure did! So they got up there not to much longer after I did and we "Izak" was just getting called back to the intake area, once that was done we got a "room" I was excited because things were moving along pretty nicely we arrived at 5 got a room before 6 pretty good for the ER then the waiting began....people came in and out and looked at his lip then we waited way to long....do they not realize that a 23 month old does not have patients locked in a small room with all sorts of fun looking stuff he cant touch sheesh!!.... Finally someone came in at 6:30 and put some numbing topical on his arms for when the insert the IV then put a clear band aid looking thing over that we had to wait 15 minutes for that to work so there was another thing I had to distract him from trying to pull of the band aids! about 7 we got moved into another room where they would do the procedure. There were two male nurses coming in and out letting me know what was going on. Then suddenly the time came to insert the IV it took the two of them and me to hold my poor baby down, with him screaming and crying owe owwe owwwwee do you know how hard that is...its even worse when they stick the needle in and do it wrong the first time and have to redo it!! I had to deal with that all over again finally when it was in they gave him a drug so he wouldn't remember what happened...where's my drug I dont want to remember it either!
They explained what the next medicine would do, the one that would sedate him, it would make him hallucinate and his eyes twitch but that its normal and he would be fine... uh...ok i guess i have no choice! When they put that in he started to giggle! OMG my kid is high WTH it was pretty funny but weird and scary they had to give him more and then he relaxed and layed down on me with his eyes open and twitching it was so weird to see this. The Doc came in explained she was gonna put one stitch in and that I could touch him just not to touch the sterilized cloth over him. So finally at 7:30 when she goes to put in the stitch I see his yes peeking through the hole in the cloth i see the needle go in his lip and he reaches up for it and says ouch! He is so drugged up but yet he felt that! Yes the Dr says but he wont remember it...why didn't you numb it...I got no response back...
Finally got out of there and home around 8:30 he was so hungry he found old popcorn in his car seat and ate some of that ick! he wanted to walk but couldn't because he was still "under the influence" I got some cute video of him.
Woke up this morning stitch still in and he is a happy little boy.
First of many ER visits to come im sure...
Life with 3 boys is never dull that's for sure!

Just cant catch that breath

I am not having the best day today. Feel like I am completly on edge of an anxiety attack....I feel I am falling apart..am i selfish for feeling this way? I need to be strong for my mom she doesnt need to see me fall apart but then again she has my sister and dad they are stronger...i am the mess..good at fuckin things up, pissing people off..so far the one thing I have found that I can control is my running, exercising and eating (sort-of on the later)why do we have to eat? I wish we didnt it takes up to much time, what I mean by that really is after a day of work and coming home cooking dinner that is at least 1 hour lost with my children. Its bad enough that day care sees them more than me. How i long to stay home with them.
ok so another post of complete babble.

Not sure how I feel

Numb, mad, sad, scared...repeat
Heart in my throat, cant breathe, choking back the tears that i know once fall wont stop...
I knew this day would come just not so soon.. but soon for who me, my dad, my sister or my mom?
Mom has cancer mesothelioma to be exact...terminal...no cure...only chemo and pain meds to ease the pain and shrink the fuckin tumor...repeat
She has had it for 4 years! Which is pretty amazing when most people dont make it 3! She has been going through chemo for 4 years, not just one type though, see i thought there was only one kind of chemo but there are many, some make you lose your hair some make you sick and some make you so sick and mean and angry and frustrated maybe they all do. But the last one my mom had did it all but make her lose her hair. With the last chemo she gained a new pain in her stomach..scary i know I was scared OMG did the cancer spread from the plural lining to her stomach, whats going on why is she in so much pain outside of where the tumor is supposed to be.
Well they did an Upper GI and found that her ulcer which was treated years ago came back from the stress of everything she has underwent...they also took a sample to send of to get a biopsy on it... no results of that as of yet...they said they would mail the results to her..so they are not worried or they are just doing their job....
Mom has gone months on chemo and months off because the chemo shrinks the tumor the longest she was off was 9 months! huge huge deal!...everytime she goes in for her CT results after a span of chemo the tumor shrunk, then she doesnt need to go back for a while, and shejust had to get a CT every 3 months to see where the tumor was at anyway it grew a little everytime usually not enough for the dr. to be to concerned then it got to where she would need treatment again after the next scan saying well it has grown a litle very repetitave..very emotional and everything else.
So now we come to yesterday I knew my mom was going in for her results to find out what was causing the pain in her stomach and was somewhat relieved it was an ulcer then SHOCKED to hear my mom so at peace as she said "im done with chemo i dont want anymore treatment im going on hospice" I really didnt know how to react because im am so shocked she wasnt crying as she usually is she was just calm, maybe she has just come to terms with it..after all it is terminal but the chemo is working why stop...i guess i cant say for i am not in her shoes... I love my mom we are a very close family.. I know i have to stay strong but i feel like i could break anytime, knowing this was coming i still am not prepared..
I dont know if anyone reads this but if you do i apologize that this is a jumbled mess and all over the place just so much on my mind...