Not sure how I feel

Numb, mad, sad, scared...repeat
Heart in my throat, cant breathe, choking back the tears that i know once fall wont stop...
I knew this day would come just not so soon.. but soon for who me, my dad, my sister or my mom?
Mom has cancer mesothelioma to be exact...terminal...no cure...only chemo and pain meds to ease the pain and shrink the fuckin tumor...repeat
She has had it for 4 years! Which is pretty amazing when most people dont make it 3! She has been going through chemo for 4 years, not just one type though, see i thought there was only one kind of chemo but there are many, some make you lose your hair some make you sick and some make you so sick and mean and angry and frustrated maybe they all do. But the last one my mom had did it all but make her lose her hair. With the last chemo she gained a new pain in her stomach..scary i know I was scared OMG did the cancer spread from the plural lining to her stomach, whats going on why is she in so much pain outside of where the tumor is supposed to be.
Well they did an Upper GI and found that her ulcer which was treated years ago came back from the stress of everything she has underwent...they also took a sample to send of to get a biopsy on it... no results of that as of yet...they said they would mail the results to her..so they are not worried or they are just doing their job....
Mom has gone months on chemo and months off because the chemo shrinks the tumor the longest she was off was 9 months! huge huge deal!...everytime she goes in for her CT results after a span of chemo the tumor shrunk, then she doesnt need to go back for a while, and shejust had to get a CT every 3 months to see where the tumor was at anyway it grew a little everytime usually not enough for the dr. to be to concerned then it got to where she would need treatment again after the next scan saying well it has grown a litle very repetitave..very emotional and everything else.
So now we come to yesterday I knew my mom was going in for her results to find out what was causing the pain in her stomach and was somewhat relieved it was an ulcer then SHOCKED to hear my mom so at peace as she said "im done with chemo i dont want anymore treatment im going on hospice" I really didnt know how to react because im am so shocked she wasnt crying as she usually is she was just calm, maybe she has just come to terms with it..after all it is terminal but the chemo is working why stop...i guess i cant say for i am not in her shoes... I love my mom we are a very close family.. I know i have to stay strong but i feel like i could break anytime, knowing this was coming i still am not prepared..
I dont know if anyone reads this but if you do i apologize that this is a jumbled mess and all over the place just so much on my mind...